How Do I Cope With Broken Heart Thingy?

How?

Honestly I don't really know..

But one thing that I can explain is; I'm the type of person who goes totally hard and passionate when it comes to my loved one. Literally kind of lost puppy when I fell in love.

Damn, that's not good.

Oh, hey by the way.. Postingan kali ini akan bersifat sangat personal dan mungkin akan bikin kalian ngantuk karena bosan. I mean, siapa juga yang mau baca berbaris-baris sedu sedan dan keluh kesah orang? Tapi bodo amatlah, I post whatever I want to post, so deal with it.

Okay, here we go~

Terlahir dengan kepribadian yang cukup sulit untuk dinego bikin aku susah punya teman sejak kecil. Lahir sebagai bungsu yang ga pernah mau kalah dan inginnya menang sendiri bikin aku ngerasa kayak jagoan neon.. Lebih tepatnya jago kandang, karena begitu aku dilepas diluaran, aku mendadak jadi super pendiam dan pemalu.

Ditambah lagi dulunya (sekarang juga masih, thank God sekarang udah lulus!) aku benci rutinitas sekolah dan ga begitu bisa get along sama teman-teman sebaya, khususnya ciwik-ciwik. Jadi ga heran kalo tiap jam istirahat aku hampir selalu bisa ditemukan di antara cowok-cowok, entah lagi asik lari-larian, main perang-perangan atau hancur-hancuran (semacam pura-pura jadi buldozer dan nabrakin anak-anak lain yang lagi asik main). Kebayang kan aku rese'nya kayak apa.

Itu karena cowok-cowok ga pernah nangis tiap kali aku usil ke mereka, ga kaya salah satu temen cewek yang waktu itu aku usilin dengan pura-pura mau nyentil dia pake karet gelang, belom juga disentil udah jerit histeris duluan, girls!

Aku juga bukan tipikal orang yang kemana-mana selalu punya banyak teman dan gank lalu chill out ataupun hangout ke tempat super keren layaknya millenials jaman sekarang. I was a social awkward if I could tell you. Kalo boleh dihitung, aku cuma punya dua orang sahabat yang bener-bener tau aslinya aku gimana, dari buruk-buruknya sampai semua hal baik (yang mereka ga pernah bisa sebutkan, huh!) dariku. Selebihnya? Let's say they probably bunch of friends or colleagues.

Menyadari betapa sulitnya mengerti dan memahami diriku sendiri, aku ga pernah protes kenapa aku ga punya banyak teman. Aku sadar betul, dealing with myself wasn't easy. So yes, that's why I will highly appreciate and feeling grateful for the people who still make an effort to keep theirself up with all my flaws. 

Seriously guys, if you ever have chance to read this blog (which I'm not sure you guys will read this), you know who you are and I only can say thank you so much for being with me even I know sometimes I could be so difficult and you wanted to strangle my neck real quick. Love you guys! I really do!

Jadi... berbekal dari latar belakang itulah bisa dipastikan aku adalah salah satu jenis manusia yang susah move on (syarat dan ketentuan berlaku). Yang mana udah bisa ditebak aku bakal butuh berbulan-bulan atau mungkin bertahun-tahun untuk healing. Ibarat sakit, hati aku tuh jenis yang butuh perawatan lama buat sembuh. Perlu diopname lah, trus pemeriksaan rutin dan rawat jalan biar balik kuat lagi :')

Then how I cope with all the sappy moments in heart broken phase?

Hmmm, hmmmm... apa ya, biasanya aku bakalan lebih sering mengurung diri, nulis, dengerin lagu-lagu yang membangkitkan keinginan untuk loncat dari gedung berlantai. Literally moping in such a sappy way, like frikkin writing all sad and teary poems on my very secret blog, hahaha! Or invading tumblr and wattpad under an anonymous name to write all love stories (geez, plz don't sue me for being such a hopeless and dramatic human). But it helps a lot, it's more like : If I couldn't get my happy ending in real life then I'd absolutely can write the happy ending for my story.

And then comes another question, "but you do look happy all the time, you moved on in very short moment.."

Dude, puhlease..

However the pain was still there neither I cry my eyes out, wailing for losing someone precious or just dealing the pain with big heart, accepting that love and pain are always in one package. So I face it, act like an adult get myself to used with all of it. When we lose something we will find another thing, keep that in mind.

It's okay if sometimes we miss them.

It's normal when you enter Dunkin Donuts once a while and suddenly the memories come, or when you noticed his favorite football team having match and remember that you used to watch the match with him. However, life keeps going on though, there's no point on keep holding the past and haunting yourself. 

But remember : You're more than that and you deserve better.

Pain and being broken are the way to learn and accept that sometimes life wants to keep its joke on you which probably you didn't find it funny, but you gotta put the smile on your face, telling yourself that everything will be better next time. Be grateful that you grow much stronger through the tears and shattered heart.

you'll be okay, promise.

They said the more you stay awake at late night, the more you find yourself being honest. 
So I guess why here I am writing this shit and pouring my heart out. Ha-ha.

Still, with hope and faith that everything will be worth at the end.

Clara.